People are like artichokes
While that may sound silly to you at first, I invite you to take a moment to consider how people and relationships can gently grow and unfold one step at a time.
I remember when I was in high school, a friend of mine would bring an artichoke in her lunch several days a week. Now, I had personally never seen an artichoke and had little desire to eat something green, hard and leafy. I watched each week as she gently peeled back each leaf of the artichoke and dipped the end into ranch dressing and ate the portion off of the leaf. She was removing one leaf at a time, slowly getting to the center.
You see, the best part of the artichoke is the center, the heart of the artichoke.
Since those days, I’ve learned a bit about artichokes and the role they can play in helping us remember what is important in building healthy relationships.
When I am at the market and am choosing an artichoke, at first glance, they can all appear the same. The truth is, they are all very different. Though we may have preconceived ideas about who someone is based on opinions of others and our own experiences, each person is unique and only after we have spent time getting to know them personally should we make decisions about them.
When looking at the artichokes at the market, it isn’t about what I see on the outside, it is what is on the inside that matters. Though it may sound cliche’ this is a profound truth. I tell the my own kids this, in their dating experiences. Don’t look for the most attractive person, instead, look for the person with the biggest heart. Sometimes the biggest and roughest artichokes have the most tender and sweet centers and hearts.
Some people cook artichoke hearts to make the leaves more tender, though the goodness is still in the center. If this isn’t done, some people will lose patience and not take the time to peel back each layer to get to the heart. Cooking the artichoke, allows the leaves to soften and makes them more tender. Part of the beauty of the artichoke is using patience to pull back each layer and the reward is getting the center or the heart. Relationships are like this. They take time, they take patience and work. Just when you feel like giving up is when you should consider digging in a little deeper and learning more about the relationship and what makes it strong. Learn about the things you can both do to strengthen the connection and communication. Be aware of the other persons love language and communications style. Their background and experiences are different than yours and often you have to work to communicate what you want the other person to know in the way they can best hear from you.
The closer you get to the artichoke heart, you will see tiny prickly thorns. These thorns will hurt you if you aren’t delicate and if you try to dig in too quick. If you want to get to the heart of the artichoke or the heart of a friend or family member or someone you care deeply about, take the time to understand the outside, carefully getting to know the details about them and their lives. Show interest in the things important to them and be gentle with their feelings. Once you do these things, you will be a safe place for their heart.
Regardless of where you are in life. A high school student, a college student or parent, these same skills apply. Take time to know people. Accept them for who they are and slowly uncover the more beautiful things inside of them.
Regarding relationships, if we want to have close relationships, we have to be willing to allow others to see us as well. We each have our own prickly places that we would rather others not see. This may seem like the “safe” route but author, Brene’ Brown says that vulnerability is the key to connection. “We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can't have both. Not at the same time.” “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage.”
If you find someone you want to build a connection and relationship with, I encourage you to remember the artichoke analogy. Take it slow. Don’t let initial outward impressions stop you from looking deeper within. Take a risk, share a bit of yourself and watch the relationship blossom. Above all else, look for the person with the biggest heart.
